Melodramatic

For this week’s audio version click here.

I’ve been a musician since I was 10 years old, but music has always been in my bones. But over the last few years, I have found myself distancing myself from it more and more. Once I entered seminary, I found my creative desires shifting from songwriting to other creative endeavors such as sermon writing. Once Soren came into our lives music really became more of a thing I did on Sunday morning than being part of who I was.

Our family said see you later to our Water’s Edge family, and my role as worship director, about 5 months ago, and since then I have only touched my guitars a hand full of times, and each time I pick one up it feels more and more foreign in my hands like I might as well be trying to throw a football. The thought of writing a song seems like a truly impossible task. I have no idea how I have written several albums worth of songs over the last 15 years. And then the realization that Soren will see me more as a preacher than a musician is so odd to me.

And all this makes me feel sad.  

The first few months of stepping away from leading worship and playing music every week has been very freeing. The grind of picking and learning songs, thinking ahead to Christmas and Easter, trying to pick songs that people know but are also theologically faithful… all of it has been very nice to step away from and I have no desire or sense of calling to step back into that. But for some reason this week I feel a sense of mourning in my spirit. Like something in me is slowly dying, and I don’t know if I am supposed to perform CPR or if there is a DNR in place. I know this all sounds a bit melodramatic and some of you are rolling your eyes at me right now. But, hey, I’m still an artist at heart, so drama will always be part of who I am. Others of you may be thinking, just pick up the guitar and play. But for some reason, I can’t. I really feel like I need to go to God with this one.

What role does music have in my life going forward?

Am I able to enjoy music for music’s sake, not having an end goal in mind like Sunday worship or a completed song?  

I just assumed I would always be a musician but I don’t see myself in that light anymore, and it is freaking me out!

Maybe it’s an identity crisis. Maybe it’s just me getting stuck in my head. Or maybe it is the Spirit trying to get my attention for some yet-to-be-revealed reason. I have no idea what it is. And really, I have no idea why I am sharing all this with you, friendly reader or listener. So, I will leave it at that. Who knows maybe this is all just material for a song down the road. Can I write a breakup song, but it’s about my breakup with music? Ok, I’m done.

Grace and peace ‘till we rise in glory.