I Am Lazy

Five hours had passed. The page was a blur. My mind was a bowl of mush. The only thing that kept me from crying was the fact that I was in a public space. I felt like I was back in my 9th grade Spanish class.

High school Spanish was a disaster. I only passed because Señora Acosta felt bad for me. She knew there was no way I was going to pass her class no matter how many times I took it. God bless her soul.

I’m pretty sure those two years of high school Spanish traumatized me when it comes to any foreign language. At the start of my last semester of college my advisor called me into her office to discuss something. While she was reviewing my transcripts for graduation she discovered I needed one more semester of Spanish. This was because my high school Spanish GPA was subpar.

Without missing a beat, I looked Mrs. V. straight in the eye and calmly said, “No.” She said, “What do you mean, no?” My gaze was set. I had her locked in. “I mean no,” I said. “I am not taking another semester of Spanish. I will drop out of my last semester of college and live with no degree and $32,000 of debt over sitting through one more semester of Spanish.”

She slowly nodded her head and said, “Hmm. OK. Don’t worry about it.” I then watched her scribble something on my transcript and Spanish was never brought up again… and I have my diploma hanging on my wall. God bless her soul.

Fast forward 12 years and we are at the opening of this post. Only this time the panic attack wasn’t set off by Spanish. This time it was Greek. This fall I signed up for Greek to jump through some pastor hoops. I had been putting this class off for years, but I finally decided to bite the bullet and learn biblical Greek. Before I signed up for the course, I contacted the professor to voice my very real concerns and fears about learning a new language. The first question he asked me, I kid you not, was, “Did you take Spanish in high school?”

I wanted to punch him in the throat.

My response was this, “I sat in a classroom where Spanish was being taught.” He assured me I’d be fine.

Fast forward 10 weeks. I had been doing fine up to this point. Now I’m not fine. Why am I not fine? I will tell you why I am not fine.

Chapter 9: Imperfect Indicative Active and Middle Verb Forms.

Last week he informed the class that this is the most important chapter in the book. I don’t know what imperfect indicative active and middle verb forms are in English let alone Greek! And after a 2-hour lecture and several passes through the chapter, I still can’t really tell you what they are. In English or Greek!  

Why am I telling you all this? Am I looking for sympathy? Am I looking for ata boys?

No. I’m really not.

I am sharing this with you because I have come to realize how lazy I have been throughout most of my life.

A lot of things that bring me praise have come to me naturally. Leading worship, songwriting, public speaking. I have never had to work very hard at these things. With minimal effort, these things have gained me praise. But this can be a slippery slope. I’ve been conditioned to believe that good is good enough. All that really means is that I have allowed myself to be lazy with the gifts the Lord has entrusted to me. I am a good worship leader. But not a great one. I write good songs. Not great ones. I am a good preacher. But not a great preacher. And that is because I am lazy.

Greek has been a kick in the arse. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever taken on. This past week I was ready to quit. I had just about convinced myself that I can’t do this. That I am an imposter. The shame and guilt and fear that flooded my heart and mind was insane.

It has also been a welcomed wake-up call. For the first time in my life I am not relying on my natural ability or charisma. My professor isn’t going to pass me because he feels bad for me. My governing church body isn’t going to scribble something on my secret pastor papers and say don’t worry about it.

I have to do the work. I have to show up. I have to face the reality that I am not naturally good at something. I have to accept that there is a very real possibility that I won’t succeed. I may have to face my biggest fear.

That I may fail.

I’ve spent 36 years running from failure. But here it is, staring me down via imperfect indicative active and middle verb forms.

I know this all sounds a bit dramatic. Well, that is because I tend to be a bit dramatic. But the reality is that as I head towards 40 I don’t want to survive off of my natural abilities and charisma. I want to become the kind of person who doesn’t run away from the hard things. As Soren grows up and observes my life, I want him to learn that hard things, failure even, won’t kill him. I know that sounds a bit cliché but if I don’t teach him this reality who will?

So, there you have it. Greek sucks. I am not good at it. I don’t like it all. I want to quit. But I am not giving up. I will show up and do the hard work. With that being said… I have to go study now.

Grace and peace ‘til we rise in glory.