What Do You Want?

“Anthony, what do you want from God?”

His question knocked me off center. I didn’t know how to respond. What do you mean, “What do I want from God”? Again, he asked me what I really wanted from God. He asked me if I had ever listed out what I would like to receive from God in my journey of faith, in my family life, and in my professional life. It wasn’t a trick question. He wanted to know. I couldn’t answer him because I had never really thought about it. I had never really thought about it because I figured I had more than I deserved. I had a wonderful wife, a healthy son, a roof over my head, more than enough food on the table, and a job that for the most part I had always enjoyed. Compared to most of the world I was beyond fortunate. What more could I want from God? The thought of asking more from God made me feel guilty, like a little brat asking for more toys after he already opened all his gifts on Christmas morning.

This happened about a year or so ago when I was meeting with a spiritual director to process the spiritual desert I was wandering through. God seemed very distant. I was not happy with most of anything in my life. I had no idea what was next for me in faith, life, and ministry.

As I was processing this question with my friend, he helped me realize that I had been keeping God at a distance. I was experiencing this disorientation in my faith and life because I figured God had already given me what I needed and it was now up to me to be faithful with what I had already been given. He helped me see that, sure I was being faithful, but I really didn’t trust God. If I had really trusted him, I would be honest with him about all of my wants and desires. When he told me this, I responded to him in my piety by asking what would happen if my real desires were totally selfish. Without missing a beat, he told me it was God’s job to weed those selfish desires from my heart, so get over it.  

That one simple insight was a life-giving shift for me. If God really is my good heavenly father, he wants me to go to him for everything. And if he is good and knows what is best for me, he will help me see when my desires are not the best thing for me. He is not sitting up there waiting to say, “You want what?! You selfish idiot!” No, he wants to father me well and give me what is best for me.

In Psalm 37 verse 4 King David pended this prayer,

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I feel like there are two extreme reactions to this verse. The first is selfishness, “Sweet, God will give me whatever I want.” The other is disbelief, “No way, that is too good to be true!” The first way is us manipulating God which can leave us disappointed and frustrated with God when we don’t strike it rich or find a smoking hot spouse. The other way keeps us from ever experiencing the gifts God desires to give to us. It’s like we think we have to always suffer for God. This way can also leave us disappointed and frustrated with God. From the story above you can guess I often fall into the second camp. You see, the special sauce in David’s prayer is not that he will give you the desires of your heart. The key is that we are to delight ourselves in the LORD. He doesn’t say we are to suffer in the LORD or beat ourselves up in the LORD. No, we are to delight in the LORD. And as we do that we grow in our communion and intimacy with him and he begins to shape and form our heart’s desires to align with his.

My friend’s question was actually an invitation for me to grow in communion and intimacy with God. Revealing my deepest desires to God takes vulnerability and it is still scary for me to do because it means I have to be honest no matter how silly, foolish, or guilty I may feel. That conversation was the start of a new spiritual practice for me. As I go to God with my true desires, I find myself in deeper and more consistent prayer with God. I find myself inviting him into more areas of my life, not just the “spiritual” stuff. And as I do this, I am sensing his presence more often. It’s as if we are in this thing called life together. I find myself looking for how he is moving around me. How is he leading me? How is he answering my prayers? The crazy thing is that as I am growing in all this, I find myself less and less interested if my desires are met because I am learning day by day that the real prize is simply being with God. God is my deepest desire. God’s deepest desire is to give himself to us.

So, my friend… what do you want from God?  

Grace and peace till we rise in glory.