All is Grace
January was a weird month for me, especially when it came to my relationship, or walk, or whatever you want to call it, with God. Honestly, I hate trying to pick a word to describe my faith life. No matter what word I land on it compartmentalizes my life with God apart from the rest of my life.
Well, that really was the heart of the issue I was facing in January. My whole life felt so compartmentalized. I was traveling a lot, which isn’t good for me or my family. It had a negative impact on my spiritual, emotional, and physical health. I am the healthiest in all areas of my life, including my life with God, when I have a set rhythm. What I really mean is that I enjoy life more and thrive when I have structure. I commune with God more deeply when I have set times of reading, prayer, and silence. For me, the early mornings are when I set time aside to be with God. That time then carries over to the rest of my day. When I don’t make that time a priority I can often feel it in my soul and it affects how I interact with the rest of my day. When I am catching early flights, waking up in hotels after not sleeping all night, and trying to process all the information dumps that happen in seminary classes or pastor conferences the last thing I can do is be still with God.
I just bit my lip and embraced the grind of January. I tried to keep some sort of rhythm but failed most of the time. Then I got home thinking I would be able to recenter myself only to be iced in for several days with Tanya, her parents, and our very energy-filled toddler. Oh, and strep throat decided to make its way through our family one by one. Yeah, any sense of rhythm or structure was unattainable even though I was back home.
Maybe you are one of those crazy people who thrive in chaos and have no idea what a schedule or planner is. Maybe you are thinking that all this is no big deal and that I should just go with the flow. You may be a little right, but I’ll be sure to pray for your unorganized life and soul:)
Over the past month, as I have been out of my regular spiritual rhythms, I have noticed how guilt and shame have started to creep into my heart and mind. Even now as I write this, I feel guilty because I haven’t read my Bible today. I chose to get up early and go to the gym, which is good and healthy, but I can’t shake this feeling that I let God down or that I missed out on him today.
I know at a theological level that God is not more or less pleased with me based on my spiritual rhythms. But this past month has revealed how easy it is for me to forget that God really loves me and accepts me just as I am. Period.
At the start of the year, I read Brennan Manning’s memoir All is Grace: A Ragamuffin Memoir. I have been blessed by Brennan’s writings over the years. I knew he struggled with alcoholism his entire life, but in his memoir, he is brutally honest about how much his disease ruled his life. However, he was also brutally honest about how God’s grace was all he could rely on at the end of the day.
His phrase, All is Grace, is a phrase I have been trying to keep at the forefront of my mind as I go throughout my day. When I read my Bible, I try to remind myself that all is grace. When I don’t read my Bible, I try to remind myself, even at this moment as I type these words, that all is grace. When I am present as a father or husband or when my mind is anywhere but with my loved ones, I try to remind myself that all is grace.
God’s grace is an iceberg. Each time I think I have seen the totality of it I realize I have just seen a small portion of it. The reason I wanted to share these thoughts with you is that I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I know I am not the only one who feels like they have let God down because of my lack of spiritual performance. So, friends, simply receive God’s grace in your life today. Because at the end of the day, it’s all we really have.
Grace and peace ‘til we rise in glory.
